As a young man graduated from college, my wallet has goals but is empty. I find many young women have what I didn’t. Parents that set more of a foundation for women to step onto than myself. How patient should I be in setting my own foundation?

Hey doc, first let me congratulate you and encourage you. You have graduated college… that alone is to be commended. Far too many young men get caught up in all sorts of foolery on their way to where you are now. Congratulations! And although you believe your parents were unable to “set more of a foundation” for you I would beg to differ. I can tell a few things about you just from this post.

First… you chose to ask me your question. Which means you are at least open to what you must surely know is my Faith based perspective on everything. I would venture so far as to say that you must at least appreciate and respect my Biblical perspective. And to me sir… that’s the ONLY foundation that really matters. I bet your parents had something to do with that. And besides, what’s in a man’s pockets can’t compare on any level to what’s in his heart. And any woman that doesn’t know that, isn’t woman enough to call your wife anyway. Look at it this way, your situation is actually protecting you from the wolves and gold diggers.

So the fact that you don’t have any money right now is actually to your advantage. As hard as this may be to believe, you’d much rather find a woman now who can see you with spiritual eyes rather than financial ones. You obviously have aspirations and will one day handle this money issue… I pray that you have met and married your wife before then, because once you have money it is almost impossible to decipher a woman’s true intentions. And any woman who is worthy of your money is willing to live without it just to be with you. Let those women ready to ovulate on financial portfolios say what they will, you are blessed my friend.

So, my recommendation is that you first change your definition of “foundation.” I would say the foundation you really need to be working on is that of a man of God and a husband. Prepare your heart and prepare your life as much as you can for a woman who is woman enough to truly see you for who you are. She’s a different kind of woman so she’ll be looking for a much different kind of “foundation.” She’ll be looking to follow a man that is looking to follow God. That’s the foundation you’ll need.

The Bible tells us that if we seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness first all that other stuff will be added to us… It’s true bruh. It worked for me… and I was fortunate enough to find my wife when I was broke just like you. All I had was a heart for God, a strong work ethic, and incredible potential… She could see that. And that’s enough for any woman worthy to be called your wife for the rest of your life. Hope that helps my friend.

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visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
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Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr. Author, Speaker, Trainer, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
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Ask me anything… Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc…

What advice do you have for women who have already experienced pre-marital sex, especially those women who have been divorced or widowed who already been exposed to "carnal knowledge?"

Wow… That’s a VERY tough question. It’s tough because I try very hard to give people answers that are both Biblical and practical. And I think this may be the first question where I don’t see a combination is workable.

Let’s start by getting the obvious stuff out of the way. Since you used a couple of “church”phrases in your question I am assuming you are, at the very least, a person of faith. And I will also assume that you are concerned with how this situation is affecting your faith, relationship with God, and very possibly your salvation.

So with those assumptions we can establish that you desire to live your life according to the Biblical constructs that you have learned over the years. This means that you now know and/or believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. And you are correct, for Biblically based Christians it is indeed a sin. So I would also assume you are asking me this question because you are experiencing some shame and guilt associated with actions you believe in your heart to be against God’s will for you.

If all of that is correct, then there are really only two directions to go. #1, continue doing what you are doing/want to do and continue to deal with ever increasing guilt and shame until you learn how to block it out or no longer feel/acknowledge it. But because you are asking for advice I believe it’s safe to say that is not what you want. Good… This path leads to separation from God and a hardened heart neither of which I believe you want.

So that brings us to direction #2, “grow” away from the things that make you feel guilty and shameful. I’m sure you already know this and have possibly tried and failed to walk away from “carnal knowledge” because the lure of sex is very strong… particularly when sex is used as a coping mechanism to deal with other issues. And this is where the rubber meets the road. Sis, most of the time when we can’t control our sexual desires it is because we either use or wrongly associate sex with something else like love, acceptance, companionship, or sheer physical/emotional/psychological enhancers (like a drug).

Often people, both men and women, who experience very serious difficulties sticking to their own resolve in this area are dealing with some of the ‘not so obvious’ issues I mentioned. There is a level of sexual desire that is natural and normal, then there is a level that causes us to do things we REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do just so we can have sex… that’s not natural and that’s a problem.

If you are just dealing with normal natural desires I would recommend a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, patience, and some new hobbies. You need to distract yourself while you are getting stronger in your knowledge and convictions. God can deliver you but there is no guarantee it will be immediate. And out of love for you it probably won’t be. God created sex so He knows how pleasurable it is for us. And how difficult it is to deal with once you have been married before… So in addition to growing in spiritual and Biblical strength/knowledge I would also recommend you acquire some sexual toys that do the trick for you.

But sis please hear me… This is a LAST resort and a very slippery slope, but it is one that is open to you. (I know I’ll catch grief for saying that from the Puritan crowd, but whatever, I care more about helping you than what people might think of me.) I’m sure they’ll bring up the lust issue, abstinence, purity etc.. And they have valid points, you should pray and strive for those things which are possible, but also very challenging and often riddled with falls and restarts. In the meantime, you are obviously looking for the least guilty and shameful way to deal with your sexual desires. I think this may be as close as we can get to dealing with this situation before you get married again. And I personally would rather someone not get married just for sex.

But to be clear, sis, if the level of desire you’re dealing with has caused or if you believe it will cause you to do some things that are out of character, unhealthy, unsafe, and/or humiliating then I believe a Licensed Professional Counselor (which I am not) may be of great help to you. Bottom line: you may need someone to help you determine if this is REALLY just about sex or if it is about something much deeper (i.e. Lonliness, emotional and/or mental dependencies, misplaced feelings of love and companionship, etc…).

If it’s just sex, although very difficult, it’s pretty straight forward. You need to grow stronger in your knowledge and convictions about sex outside of marriage to fight the “carnal knowledge” you mentioned. And I don’t care what folks tell you sis… it’s NOT just you. Read Romans Chapter 7 and you’ll see that you are definitely not alone in your struggle.

Sis I know I don’t have a clear cut answer for you, but I knew this would be difficult. All I know is that the Lord promises us that He will put no more on us than we can bear. Yours is a heavy load I do not ever wish to carry, so I dare not judge you. I just pray that you continue to seek the Lord’s Will in this and other areas of your life. My wife and I will say a prayer specifically for you sis… I hope something here was of some help to you.

Ask me anything… Personal, Spiritual, Professional, etc…